I’m just coming off of one of those post-Holiday conversations where one family member rants about another family member: “He never calls.” Voice heavy with reproach. Disappointment. Anger. “Why should it always be me who initiates contact? I’m not going to call again. If he wants to talk to me, let him call for a change.”
And if he doesn’t call, either the relationship withers and dies, or the person who’s complaining reaches for the phone after all, full of resentment, and what could have been a perfectly good conversation, sours.
It doesn’t have to be that way if you take a step back and consider what’s really at stake: A connection with another person. A connection you may value and may have worked hard for. So now the question becomes if you still value that connection or if you maintain it only out of a sense of obligation.
In this case, it comes down to choice. Even though you can’t choose your family, you might choose to maintain certain weak ties out of a sense of obligation or gratitude. The important point is to actively choose instead of passively accepting (and then resenting) that obligation. The same goes for friends or mentors whom you’ve outgrown, or who have simply grown distant.
Then there are those connections you only maintain because cutting ties seems too confrontational or too much trouble. Really, though, there’s no law saying that connections that have outlived their meaning have to be severed. You can just let them fray and unravel and finally dissolve all on their own. No action needed. This is one of the few times where guilt-free inaction is beneficial. The same goes for those people who only remember you when they want or need something from you. A few phone calls never returned can send as clear a message as a heated argument.
But what about those friends you never hear from, and then, when you call, they talk for an hour with you, and it’s as if you’d seen them just last week? Or those who are perfectly willing to hang out at a moment’s notice, provided you call? If you decide that a connection is worth maintaining, well, why not go all in? Do the work and don’t keep score.
There are people who are good at maintaining contact and keeping their network healthy and thriving. And there are others who, for various reasons, are content to let others take the initiative. The threshold for initiating contact is higher for some than for others. They might not be as organized. They might not want to disturb you. Or they might think of you often, but feel so guilty that they haven’t called that with each day the guilt mounts, the threshold becomes higher. Whatever the reason may be – with some people it will have to be you who’s taking that first step if you’re interested in maintaining contact at all.
And, really, there are advantages to taking the lead in this particular dance: You get to choose the music. You get to pick a time and place that’s convenient for you. And you get to choose your preferred medium of communication. Not only can you set things up to your liking, you also get the brownie points. Win-win, if you think about it.